


I am lost, but not in you

by chogyulnotdead



Category: NCT (Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Happy birthday Kun, I suck at dialogues, I'm Sorry Qian Kun, Kunten, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Qian Kun-centric, Roommates, i still don't know how to tag, johnten, kun deserves the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:47:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28447146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chogyulnotdead/pseuds/chogyulnotdead
Summary: Kun didn't know when it started to be Kun and Ten, and not just Kun AND Ten. Somehow, somewhere in between their vague notions, lines were crossed and here they were now, Kun and Ten.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	I am lost, but not in you

_Say you love me to my face_

_I need it more than your embrace_

_Just say you want me, that's all it takes_

"Kunnie!"

"Ten! Your classes just ended?"

"Yeah. Today was so hectic, I feel like my head is breaking in two and I haven't even had lunch yet Kun. Worst day ever" Ten rambled on with a pout.

"Ten! It's already 6 in the evening and you haven't had lunch yet? What did I tell you about skipping meals Tennie?" Kun replied with a frown

"I was hoping my pout would distract you enough not to nag" Ten replied, poking Kun's cheeks

Kun just rolled his eyes and ruffled his roommate’s hair

"Fine. No nagging tonight, but just because I want to cook faster so you can already eat." Kun said with a resigned sigh as Ten cupped Kun's face

"Love you Kunnie, truly"

Ten looked him in the eyes and smiled as if he truly meant what he said. As if he knew the gravity of those words. As if he knew how it shook Kun to the core. As if he knew how much Kun wanted it to mean so much more.

"Love you too, Ten"

Kun replied, ever so softly. Knowing how much more those words meant to him than it did to Ten.

✧✧✧

"Kun-ge! Hello! Have you listened to what I just said?"

"Oh, Sicheng, sorry. I was just..distracted. What were you saying again?

"Is it Ten-ge again?"

Sicheng was one of his closest friends. Sicheng, or Winwin to his closest friends, bore witness to every breakdown Kun has had since his platonic feelings for his roommate turned, well, not so platonic. Winwin was there through every alcohol induced breakdown every damn time Ten introduced someone, everytime his roommate brought a stranger home, and everytime Ten came home crying from every jerk who didn't know how lucky they were to even have a chance with him.

"He said he loved me again last night, Win. He looked at me and said he loved me." 

"Ge.." Sicheng said softly, looking at Kun, probably thinking of ways to say the words Kun already knows by heart.

"I know Win, I know he didn't mean it that way. I know, but still, I can't help but think what if he did. What if he meant it differently. I just.. I don't know. Let's just continue working on this paper, where were we before I got lost in self pity and unrequited love?"

Kun laughed bitterly, hoping a forced smile will distract his friend enough to drop the topic

"Kun-ge.."

"So, we were at the cost benefit analysis of green technology on sales and production right?"

It was so much easier to brush everything off. To pretend this unrequited love was not eating away at him like some parasite, consuming him, piece by piece until there's nothing left. It was so much easier to pretend that after two whole years of pining, his feelings weren't as intense as it was before. So pretend he did.

✧✧✧

It was a rainy Saturday, how could Kun ever forget, when everything about them started to shift.

Kun was lounging on their old couch, playing soft music whilst reading a book when Ten came barging in, eyes red, tears threatening to fall.

"Kun" Ten said, almost out of breath, as the tears he tried to hold back started falling

"Oh Ten, what happened? I thought you were out on a date?" Kun rushed to his side, enveloping him in his warmth

"Kun, am I ugly? Worthless? Am I not enough?" Ten mumbled, face buried in Kun's chest

Kun cupped Ten's face and willed the other to look at him

"How could you think that, Tennie? You're kind, in a mean sort of way, kinda weird, but let's just say quirky. You're brave, and strong in ways I never could. You are beautiful, in every sense of the word, Ten. Screw every living jerk who makes you think otherwise, they do not deserve one Li Yongqin"

"Do you really think that way Kun?" Ten asked, voice almost a whisper, as he buried his face back in Kun's chest again

"Of course, Ten. You are the most amazing person I know" Kun said as he hugged Ten tighter.

"Now, go get changed into something more comfortable. We're gonna have ice cold beer as you tell me all about this bad date"

"I love you Kun"

"I love you too, Ten"

✧✧✧

"And then he had the audacity to force me to come up to his apartment! That bastard, after he touched me 'accidentally' a bunch of times throughout dinner! God, I hate men!"

Ten was telling him all about his bad date, and it took all of Kun's patience to not go to that fucker and ruin his fucking face. His violent thoughts were interrupted when Ten held his hands

"Why can't all men be like you Kun?"

Well, that took him by surprise.

"What do you mean? I'm just me Ten, boring old Kun"

"No! You're not boring, you're just an old soul. You're very mature, kind, and selfless. You're responsible, intelligent, you even cook really really well. And oh god, you can fly a plane! You're the most amazing person I know too, Qian Kun"

Kun can only hope the dim light of the setting sun hid the blush on his face as he listened to Ten ramble on about how he thinks of him. 

"You really think that way about me?" Kun asked, not daring to look at Ten

"Of course! Every man should be a little like you!" Ten said, snuggling even closer to Kun

They spent the rest of that rainy afternoon tangled in each other’s arms, neither of them speaking another word. Both content to bask in the perfectness of the moment, their silence, each other’s warmth, the soft music playing in the background, and the pitter patter of the rain outside.

✧✧✧

“We cuddled all afternoon Winnie, Ten and I”

Kun shared, Winwin and him were out eating lunch when he told him all about how Ten broke down. How Ten described him like an entirely different person from how he saw himself. How everything felt the same, and yet completely different.

“Ge, why don’t you just tell him how you feel? Don’t you think two years of pining is enough? I’m so tired of you gushing over how amazing he is.” Winwin rolled his eyes at Kun

“Just because it worked out well with you and Lucas doesn't mean it will work well with me and Ten too! And besides, you know very well why I haven't made a move even after two years"

"Is it still Johnny hyung? Is he still not over him?"

Kun just smiled sadly. Willing himself not to say the words out loud. As if not saying it can make it cease to be true. As if not saying it will make it hurt less.

Ten still loves Johnny, a year after they have broken up.

Ten still loves Johnny, despite the endless dates and flings.

Ten still loves Johnny, he'd probably always will.

* * *

_You'll forever be the boy in my polaroids_

_You'll forever be the reason why I am void_

_You'll forever be my first love_

Kun and Ten were assigned roommates during their freshman year at university. They didn’t really get along well at first. Ten being his loud and chaotic self, while Kun his usual calm and collected. They were civil though, they knew each other’s boundaries, they were polite to each other, Kun even cooks an extra portion of his meals for Ten sometimes.

It all changed when Johnny came though.

✧✧✧

“Hi Kun! I didn’t know you were gonna come home early”

“Yeah, my professor got sick and had to cancel last minute” Kun replied, looking at the stranger sitting on their dinner table, opposite Ten.

“Oh! This is Johnny, by the way. He’s a..friend” Ten said with a noticeable blush creeping on his face

“Sorry I didn’t tell you he was coming over, I thought you were gonna be home late. We were just gonna eat dinner and head out anyways.”

“Hi Kun, I’m Johnny, a friend of Ten’s. I hope you don’t mind me coming over” the stranger, Johnny, said as he stood up and offered his hand to Kun

“I don’t really mind, Johnny, I’m Kun by the way, but I reckon you already know that” 

“Did he just say ‘reckon’ Ten? He really speaks like an old man!” Johnny said looking back at Ten

Ten was tongue tied. Eyes widening, clearly not wanting to offend his roommate. They weren’t really the best of friends, so he can only imagine Kun won’t be happy to learn he has been talking about him behind his back, even calling him an old man.

To his surprise though, Kun just passed it off and laughed.

“Sicheng, my friend, always did say I spoke like an old man. It’s okay Ten, I can hear your thoughts clearly from here” Kun smiled at his roommate, genuinely, for the first time since they met.

“Enjoy your dinner, Johnny and Ten. I’ll be in my room to finish some papers.”

“I would offer you to join us for dinner Kun, but we’re already halfway done.” Ten said 

“Maybe next time then, Kun” Johnny added

“Maybe next time” Kun said as he bid them good night and walked to his room.

✧✧✧

Johnny became a regular presence at their dorm room since then. And surprisingly, he and Kun got along well. It was months after he first came upon Johnny and Ten at their room when he finally asked them what Johnny and Ten were.

Kun was not a nosy person. He barely had care for other people’s business, but god if he had to suffer another night of awkward flirting and fleeting glances he would throw up. Literally. 

They were watching some old horror movie on Ten’s laptop, drinking cold beer when he finally asked.

“So, are you guys, like dating or something?”

“What? How did you think that? Johnny and I are just friends Kun” Ten stammered as he spoke, nearly spilling his half finished can of beer into Johnny’s lap

“Weird, I actually thought you guys were really into each other” Kun shrugged

“We are” Johnny blurted out “Well at least, I am” he whispered

“You do? You like me?” Ten asked,

“Yeah..I mean I thought it was kinda obvious..” Johnny trailed off

“It was hella obvious you two! I swear it was physically painful watching you two dance around each other like a bunch of fools. Please just date each other so we can have no more of your awkward flirting” Kun said, eliciting laughter from the two

“This is my cue to go. I’m gonna go hang out in my room and plug my earphones on, while you two make out here or something."

✧✧✧

Ten and Johnny was good while it lasted. Ten was in love, they both were. But circumstances had to pull them apart. A year into their relationship, Johnny and his family had to migrate to Chicago. They tried to make it work, but the distance tore them apart.

Daily video calls turned into weekly voice calls. Calls were replaced by sporadic messages, until there were none at all.

Ten was devastated. And Kun was there for him. 

He saw how beautiful Ten was when he was happy. How he..radiated. Seeing the Ten in front of him now, broken and sad, tore at him too.

* * *

_Here you are, a hero_

_You wanna be my new home_

_But baby let up_

_I won't ever recognize these roads_

_'Cause I am lost, but not in you_

He wished he knew exactly when it started. Was it that moment he saw Ten smile again for the first time? Or when Ten cried his heart out and held onto Kun like he was his lifeline? He can’t really remember the exact moment his feelings for Ten changed.

He figured it just did, gradually, over months of watching Ten heal. Kun was enthralled. He was captivated of the Ten who built himself back up, of the Ten who stumbled countless times but stood up stronger each time. He was in awe of Ten’s beauty, and grace, and strength. He was in awe of the man Ten is.

✧✧✧

Ten rarely went out on dates after that one Saturday afternoon he and Kun spent wrapped in each other’s arms. If Kun noticed, he didn’t mention it. 

Somewhere in between the gentle smiles they exchanged, to the subtle touches, to hours upon hours spent cuddling each other, lines were blurred and boundaries were crossed.

Kun didn't know when it started to be Kun and Ten, and not just Kun _and_ Ten. Somehow, somewhere in between their vague notions, lines were crossed and here they were now, Kun and Ten.

Things were pretty much the same. They never were the type to shy away from physical affections, even when they were just friends. They were roommates, so they spent every humanly possible time together.

Things were pretty much the same. But they weren’t.

It’s like there is an unspoken understanding between them. Whilst their actions remain the same, the significance of those actions now hold more weight.

Kun saw it in the way Ten lit up everytime they looked at each other, he felt it in the way Ten held him, as if he was afraid Kun would slip away.

✧✧✧

“Hi Sicheng!” Ten greeted the younger as he sat down beside Kun

“Hi” Ten addressed Kun ever so softly, almost as if he was shy.

“Hi” Kun replied, immediately taking Ten’s hand in his.

“You guys are insufferable” Sicheng rolled his eyes at them

“Shut up, Winnie!” Kun threw a crumpled napkin at his friend.

Kun and Winwin were spending free time before their next class at a cafe outside their university when Ten joined them.

“Anyway, what brings you here, Tennie?” Kun asked

“I was gonna ask if you were free tomorrow night? I’m gonna have an impromptu dance performance for this organization’s fundraising and I was wondering if you’d like to come?”

“Of course, I’ll come Ten” Kun said as he intertwined their fingers

“You sure? I don’t want to impose, I know you and Sicheng are busy, and this is on such short notice”

“Don’t be silly Ten, I wouldn’t miss your performance” 

Ten looked at Kun and squeezed his hand “Thank you, Kunnie”

“Again, insufferable” Sicheng rolled his eyes at them, again, breaking whatever moment they were having

“Oh, you too, Sicheng, please come if you’re free. You can bring Lucas along too!”

“I’ll ask Xuxi if he’s free and let you know, Ten”

“Okay then, I have to go now. I still have classes in like, five minutes, shit I’m gonna be late”

“Run along now, then. See you later Ten” Kun said as he let go of Ten’s hands

“Bye love, see you at home” 

Ten stood up and kissed the top of Kun’s head, completely unaware of the dumbstruck expression on Kun and Winwin’s faces.

✧✧✧

“So, you’re called ‘love’ now huh?” Sicheng teased

“Shut up! I totally didn’t expect that. Did he really just call me love and kissed my head?”

“I’m pretty sure my hearing and eyesight is completely fine, Kun. He totally called you love and kissed you”

“Oh”

“Don’t be a fool Kun-ge. Please, just tell Ten how you feel and end my constant suffering”

“Maybe I will”

“What do you mean maybe? I swear, sometimes I just want to strangle you”

“It’s just, I’m completely on blind territory here Win. I spent the last two years being in love with someone who I thought would never love me back. And then suddenly I wake up and he sort of returns my feelings? Can you blame me if I’m being cautious? Telling him, and getting rejected after having some semblance of hope will break me Winnie.”

It was so much easier to brush everything off, to pretend that nothing changed and go about their lives. It was so much easier to pretend, to sweep everything under the rug until everything piles up into a mountain of unsaid feelings, and unanswered questions.

Ten did not call him ‘love’ again after that.

And if Kun noticed, he didn’t let on.

✧✧✧

“You were amazing Ten! You were..breathtaking” Kun said as Ten walked up to him after his dance performance

“Yeah? Thank you Kun, it means a lot to me hearing it from you” 

“I would tell you how amazing you are everyday Ten” Kun said “if you’d let me” Kun whispered

Ten looked at him, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.

“Let’s go home, Kun? Ten asked, as he started walking, without taking Kun’s hand in his.

✧✧✧

Ten started dating again shortly after.

It was so much easier to brush everything off. To pretend that everything did not spark some kind of hope into him. A flicker of light, that is currently being extinguished. It was so much easier to pretend, to sweep everything under the rug, but Kun has had enough.

“What are we Ten? Why are you doing this? Was it all just in my head?” Kun finally asked.

He was at their living room, staring blankly at their TV screen, waiting for Ten to come back from his date. 

“I’m sorry Kun. I’m sorry. Truly”

“Why?”

“I don’t deserve you Kun, I’m sorry"

✧✧✧

Kun had to get away. From Ten, from their home, from the life they built together over the last couple of years. Winwin was the first person Kun thought of as he ran out of their apartment. He went straight to Winwin and Lucas’ place, willing himself not to cry until he reached the comfort of his friend’s embrace. 

“I guess it’s over Sicheng”

He ran straight into his friend’s arms as soon as the door was opened for him.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry Kun-ge”

Just like that, they were back to being Kun _and_ Ten. Just like how they were before Johnny, before Kun caught feelings, before he thought Ten reciprocated those feelings.

They were civil, they knew each other’s boundaries, they were polite to each other, Kun even cooks an extra portion of his meals for Ten sometimes.

* * *

He was on his way to work. It was early morning and Kun could already feel the amount of stress he will have to go through today. Adulting is a bitch. Taxes, healthcare, insurance, the fucking bills. He found himself sighing at the thought. He shakes his head and plugs in his airpods. Listening to music always calms him down.

Sometimes he wonders, does everyone find themselves remembering certain points of their lives when listening to random songs? Because he does. To Kun, music brings back memories. Songs are like time capsules, each one holding memories, perfectly encapsulating moments, feelings even. Music brings back memories all boxed up, collecting dust at the back of our heads.

_But I'd give anything to stop time_

_Commit to you and not crimes_

_Against your truth and lose sight_

_Of every divide threatening to undo this story_

_But baby, I'm so sorry_

_I don't think that I'll ever memorize this route_

_'Cause I am lost, but not in you_

_Yes, I am lost, but not in you_

He still thinks about Ten from time to time. They never really got in touch after college. Last he heard, he and Johnny got back together and moved back to Korea.

He’s well now, truly. Time and distance, just like how it can tear relationships apart, can be a powerful tool for healing too. 

He looks back now, not with pain and anger, but with understanding. Understanding that Ten did love him. Ten loved him too much. Ten knew that all his attempts to get over Johnny would bear no fruit. Johnny was it for Ten. 

Kun was loved too. Ten loved him enough not to hurt him, but not enough to choose him. And that was perfectly fine. Knowing he was loved, even if not in the way he so wanted, was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday Kun! I don't know why I even wrote this. Ha ha ha. Sorry Kunnie T.T
> 
> The songs I referred to here are:  
> Say you love me - Jessie Ware  
> Polaroid Boy - Niki  
> Anaheim - Niki
> 
> Not that anybody cares, but this entire fic is Kun centric however the songs are from Ten's POV. I just wanted to share 😬


End file.
